Dear Ask Ashlee,
I have a big issue I am facing. I do not like my fiancé’s daughter. I feel awful even saying it aloud, but it is the truth, and before we get married I need to figure out how I am going to not only tell him, but how I can get past it. She is a very cruel, rude, mean-spirited young lady and I don’t know how she became this way, but I have a lot of questions regarding her upbringing, that I feel I should know the answers to because I am going to be her stepmom. Anytime my fiancé and I have discussed her behavior he has always just told me she had a hard time growing up with her mom and that they struggled a lot. I have been in her life for about four years now, and I rarely see her mother, which I am honestly grateful for because she’s a piece of work too. Any suggestions on how to approach this? He is a good man, and I don’t want to lose him because I can’t get past the dealings of a thirteen-year-old.
Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
So, here’s the thing, first I want you to lighten up and give yourself some grace. The youth today are different than you were growing up, just as you were different to your generation before you. It sounds like there is a lot of trauma with this young lady, and like you, I don’t know the full back story on everything she experienced with her mother and how active her father, your fiancé, was in her life before becoming, what it seems to be, her primary parent. What I can say is this, you know yourself better than I do, and you know what you can and cannot handle. It is this man’s job to love and protect and provide for his child, whether you are in his life or not. Are you committed enough to your relationship with him to provide him the support he needs to handle that responsibility? If you are, I highly recommend you lead with love in everything you do. You will be a mother figure that she will remember for days and years to come. What experience can you provide her that is different from the one she has had with the woman who gave birth to her? It is important for you to consider that as you proceed through the journey. If you cannot on the other hand, then be honest with yourself and with him and see what happens while you stand in your truth. I hope this helps.
Love & Light,
Ashlee