Dear Ask Ashlee,
I have one of those moms that refuses to let go of my ex, and it is starting to become increasingly unhealthy for my dating life. My ex and I were together all throughout high school and our mid 20s. We broke up two years ago, and I have finally opened up to the idea of dating again. I don’t really talk to my ex, and I don’t intentionally go out of my way to see her, but my mom still communicates with her regularly and invites her out or over to dinner like before. Recently, I had a lady friend I wanted to have breakfast with, and I invited my mom. My mom in return invited my ex. In her defense, she didn’t know the young lady was joining me, but I have voiced many times that I would like for her to stop arranging unexpected sit downs with my ex. The young lady I asked to join us felt uncomfortable and wanted to leave, and I honestly had no problem leaving with her, and I did. Like I said, I have had a conversation with my mom about this before, but clearly another conversation needs to take place, but what can I say differently or how can I get through to her that I am done with my ex, and everyone needs to move on.
Mr. Nice Guy
Dear Mr. Nice Guy,
So, here’s the thing, maybe it’s time to have a conversation with your ex and let her know that this is uncomfortable for you, and you’d like her to create some distance between your mother and her. They have clearly established a relationship outside of you, which happens a lot, but if they are going to continue a relationship, she needs to respect that it needs to be their relationship that doesn’t include you at all. Next, yes, I would have another conversation with mom, but sometimes when you are creating boundaries that people are not used to, your actions speak a lot louder than any conversation can. My suggestion would be to move differently with respect, but with the boundaries you are requesting. You’ve already begun this, by leaving at breakfast once your ex arrived. You may have to implement more exits like this in order for your mom to see how serious you are. The goal is for you to create the right boundaries with your mom and ex while still remaining a respectful and loving son in the process. I hope this helps!
Love & Light,
Ashlee